Description:
Royal rations are an imperishable foodstuff seldom found throughout the Backrooms. Beyond its notoriety as both a prime choice of sustenance and a heavy-hitting bargaining chip, the Royal Ration as a concept has been elevated to quasi mythology amongst wanderers — procurement of a single instance is both a source spectacle and the origin of many a conflict for its ownership.
Image of a Royal Ration, taken from the collection of an anonymous donor.
Royal Rations take the appearance of a small slab of paraffin wax, though they are markedly more malleable and more gelatinous in consistency. All royal rations measure at exactly 9cm in length, 6cm in width, and 3cm in thickness; big enough to fit in one's palm. They are entirely smooth, angular, odourless, and slightly cool to the touch even at room temperature1. It is unknown who exactly decided to attempt consumption of a royal ration for the first time in spite of its unpalatable appearance, but it is undeniable that the revelation of its nutritious properties has had a far-reaching domino effect on life and culture within the Backrooms.
The rarity of Royal Rations contributes in large part to the mystique surrounding them. Though they can presumably exist in every location within the Backrooms, coming across a Royal Ration is a once-in-a-blue-moon occurrence. The spread of confirmed locations in which they have been found is subject to no rhyme or reason, spanning from the extensively inhabited levels to some of the more formidable locations seldom treaded by man. Even then, they are often placed inconspicuously (some have even suggested intentionality in their placement) such that one would have to be keeping a keen eye just to spot the pearly luxury. No stone is left unturned in the search for Royal Rations, as countless wanders dedicate whole days hoping to procure the delicacy.
Accounts of the taste of a Royal Ration vary from person-to-person, but all seem to agree that euphoria follows the moment one's tongue so much as touches even a speck of the gooey indulgence. Regardless of the portion, and regardless of one's hunger, any quantity of Royal Rations ingested completely satisfies a wanderer's nutritional needs. Should an entire instance be rationed out, a single Royal Ration could last someone months before it is entirely consumed, theoretically making it the most efficient food source available for long-term exploration2. In theory, this would make them a standard issue ration given in such situations, but there have historically been difficulties whenever Royal Rations are involved in meal planning.
The greatest obstacle in the way of issuing Royal Rations for any practical use comes down to the strong psychological effect the taste of Royal Rations seems to have on its samplers. The taste of the Royal Ration is immensely appetising, so much so that wanderers find themselves unable to resist the temptation of having just one more bite should another portion of Royal Rations be available. The compulsion is strongest after immediate consumption, though it can linger for years even if a Royal Ration was only consumed once. Discontentment with otherwise palatable food is commonly voiced in the weeks following first sampling — wanderers find themselves completely fixated on the opportunity to savour another bite even if the prospects of doing so are next-to-none. As a result, adding the Royal Ration to any long-term nutrition plans incurs a high chance of incorrect resource rationing, resulting in a paradoxical decrease in efficacy should it be used as a main food source for long stretches of time.
The Royal Ration is highly sought after then not for its use in survival situations; instead, they find use as a recreational drug of sorts. Many an argument between friends, enemies, and friends-turned-enemies alike has been started by a Royal Ration worming its way in between two parties. Illicit trades and agreements have been made in underground circles of the Backrooms for merely the opportunity to taste a Royal Ration, to the point where known possession of a Royal Ration has been likened to having a bounty placed on one's head. Tradition dictates that, should one find themselves in possession of a Royal Ration, they are better off bartering with a well-paying beneficiary rather than risking addiction in the endeavour to satiate curiosity.
Reverence for the Royal Ration as more than just a prize find, but an omen of doom, has predominated the thought of commoners throughout the Backrooms. Some choose to take a chance if only to have experienced the bliss of tasting the so-called jewel of Backrooms cuisine, whilst others forego the opportunity in fear of the repercussions. A minority of wanderers even believe that being in possession of a Royal Ration precipitates tragedy by itself, much like walking under a ladder or opening an umbrella indoors are perceived as markers of bad luck. The cultural legend of the Royal Ration serves as more than just an object of intense desire, but a string of widespread and deeply-held opinions on whether the unlikely comestible itself is even desirable in the first place. As the age-old adage goes, it is often forbidden fruit that tastes the sweetest — do the perils of possession and the gamble of dependence justify the promise of an unimaginable ecstasy?
Document 016-003: Testimonial from Lucille De Jong
Interviewer: Kamau Wanbugu
For posterity's sake, an interview with Lucille De Jong, a retired M.E.G. senior archivist, was conducted. De Jong had been known to have periodically indulged in Royal Rations during her long tenure as head of the M.E.G.'s voyaging department, and her experience was sought after in order to present future archivists with a point of reference for personal anecdotes on the matter.
[START INTERVIEW]
Wanbugu: Thank you for coming on such short notice, Miss De Jong. Sorry to pull you out of retirement once again.
Lucille: Bah, don't worry about it, wouldn't be the first time, and certainly not the last. You know I don't mind coming here if it means helping you lot out, especially so if it's for a friend. And please-
Wanbugu: Yes, sorry! Lucille, not Miss De Jong. I still have to get used to not calling you that.
De Jong: Your manners are still as good as ever Kamau! Well then, shall we get this started?
Wanbugu: Right, right. We're here to talk about Royal Rations as I'm sure you've been told.
De Jong: Of course. Where would you like me to begin?
Wanbugu: I suppose we ought to start from… well, the start. What was your first time like?
De Jong: A few years back… well, a long time ago really, it's definitely been a while what with the late Mister Becerra being involved, and old pal of mine. This was back in the day before the M.E.G. had even formed, for reference, so it was all just a bunch of scattered groups trying to make sense of the place. Some information had already been discovered naturally, we knew about some of the big stuff and we'd begun sharing that information. It only takes a few incidental cashew water deaths to realise that we had to devise a means to avoid it, though, this was a time before the population here exploded, and before all the factions had bad blood with one another. The point of all this is to say that a few people had known about Royal Rations, and some of us had made it our mission to find as many as we could.
[De Jong coughs]
De Jong: Mister Becerra — he never really gave us his first name, that oddball — was one of the people that was intent on eating as much Royal Rations as the Backrooms afforded him, at least in his youth… his thirties, not his youth. By the time I knew him, he had a few wrinkles on his face already. I found myself under his wing back when I lived away from the city, before research was a priority and we all counted on scavenging to sustain us. Every time that we'd be out gathering food and water, he made it a point to stress that any paraffin that we'd find on the way had to go to him. Of course, we weren't really privy as to why he wanted it at the time, but he was pretty insistent and we figured sure, why not? He was a tradesman by name and we assumed he probably had some use for it, and it wasn't like we were finding it every other day. I estimate that I myself found maybe one or two pieces over the year or so that I spent there.
Wanbugu: So he didn't tell you what Royal Rations were?
De Jong: No, he withheld the information from the rest of us so that he'd have it all to himself. He was a really nice guy, but definitely a bit greedy — and definitely way luckier than I or the rest of us were, because he kept that rouse going for a long time somehow! I saw him take a bite out of the 'paraffin' another one of us had found on that day, and he almost started shaking when he ate the piece. I was confused, of course, but I figured 'if Mister Becerra is doing that, maybe I should try it myself the next time I find one!'. It was obviously a long time before I-
Wanbugu: Sorry to interrupt — I have to ask, how come you were finding Royal Rations so frequently? Most people never find one in the wild after years here, but your group seems to have been finding these pretty frequently, lest I'm mistaken?
De Jong: You must understand, if you're spending entire days out there looking for scraps and whatnot, you'll definitely come across a Royal Ration at some point. People don't scavenge as much as they used to, what with the city being mostly well-stocked as it is, so the chance for people to find one nowadays are slim only because they weren't as exposed to the quote-unquote wilderness as much as we were back then. Like I was saying, even then it took me a while before I found another one, at which point I decided to bite the bullet and try it for myself.
Wanbugu: And how was that for you?
De Jong: Well, scrumptious doesn't begin to describe it. It was a totally new sensation that I felt at that moment, a whole new dimension of unexplainable flavour. By the time that I'd finished eating the whole thing — because you really can't stop once you start — Mister Becerra had come to check up on me. His whole face went white when he realised what I'd done, because he knew I'd have questions for him, and that he'd have some explaining to do for the rest of us. Amongst his many faults, he was a bit pusillanimous, so he didn't really try keeping the whole rouse up.
Wanbugu: So, with the first time out of the way, I'd assume this was when your habit really picked up then?
De Jong: You could say that, yes. It didn't take long for fights to break out between the handful of us over who got to keep the Royal Rations that we found. Finders keepers worked the first five times, but then people started thieving and pilfering. Reason seemed to take a backseat the moment a Royal Ration got involved, and soon enough, what we had could hardly be called a community what with how many arguments had started over the food. We eventually broke off from one another — I'm not really sure what became of the rest of them, but I can only hope they're ok. Anyway, after all that happened, I was always waiting for the next chance I'd get at having another Royal Ration, though it became harder to get my fix when I started settling down in Eleven. Occasionally, someone would bring a piece to town and we'd all try to find a way to get it; a few risky bets here and there, some which I won, some which I lost. Finding them myself was out of the question after my responsibilities started piling up. I realised I had to wean myself off eventually, because giving wealth I had and wealth that I had yet to procure wasn't really sustainable. Especially when people are willing to cut heads off for the money a Royal Ration gets you.
Wanbugu: I can't imagine that was easy to do. How did you get yourself out of it anyway?
De Jong: Simple. I had people put me in a room and restrain me until I stopped feeling the urge.
[Wanbugu immediately stops writing his notes]
Wanbugu: You're joking… right?
De Jong: Just pulling your leg. You're still as gullible as you used to be, I see!
[Wanbugu laughs]
Wanbugu: I really ought to have learnt by now to take what you say with a pinch of salt.
De Jong: What can I say, I love a good joke. But, to answer your question, it was only a matter of learning to restrain myself. I got busier, and eventually my responsibilities required me to be responsible with my resources. You'd be surprised how much finding something to do here actually helps rather than being a vagrant with no purpose. Don't get me wrong, I still like to stick my finger into the mix from time-to-time, but I think that you can achieve some form of moderation if you keep yourself grounded. It took me years to learn that self-control, but it's far from impossible as some people believe. It's not a life-sentence to try a Royal Ration, just something that you have to not dedicate your whole being to.
Wanbugu: Checks out, not that I've ever tried any myself. So, you're saying that it can't be that hard to keep your urges at bay, right?
De Jong: Not quite. The thing with the Royal Ration — and this is not just my perspective obviously — is that it really is all that it's cranked up to be. Before you ever try one, you'll have heard all the stories about how people go insane about it, because it's the food of the gods and whatnot. Most people feel that way because that's how it makes them feel. It's why so many people struggle to let go; one time is fine, two times is fine, but the more you take, the more you realise why some people think we simply weren't meant for our palate to be refined this way.
Wanbugu: Food of the gods — I've heard people call it ambrosia before. A bit pastiche if you ask me.
De Jong: Yes, but, even though my own inclination would have been to agree with your reaction in the past, there really isn't a better descriptor. It doesn't feel remotely like it was meant for humans to experience, as if… it's just a glimpse into cuisines that are leaps and bounds beyond what we as mortals dare to dream of. Ambrosia was, in mythology, this food meant for the gods that eluded the culinary skills of anything the human mind could conceive on earth. Once you've touched it with your tongue — once you've tasted a pinhead's worth of it, because that's all it really takes — you understand exactly what that truly means. You understand why so many people are never able to moderate like I have.
[Wanbugu takes a moment to take notes, before resting the pen atop his clipboard]
Wanbugu: So, my follow-up question after all that is said… it's not like we live in a godless realm here, I'm sure you've heard. There are in fact beings here that far transcend us in more ways than one.
[De Jong chuckles]
De Jong: Oh, heaps and loads of them, I'm aware!
Wanbugu: Well, would you say, with your own firsthand experience in mind, that you believe Royal Rations are in fact a piece of something bigger than us?
De Jong: No, no, that was all just for comparison's sake, I hope you don't think I mean that literally- I mean, yes, some people do believe that. Erm, what we like to call gods here at least, they believe in that. Not that I agree with that term in the first place, mind you.
Wanbugu: I concur, I'm not a fan of it either.
De Jong: Yes, well, truthfully, I think that we were simply lucky that these things are here with us. Asking 'who' or 'what' made them, see, it doesn't get you anywhere, or at least, doesn't get you anywhere meaningful. Because we don't really know now, do we? So what's the point in speculating?
Wanbugu: Nothing more than a mental exercise, I suppose. What with all the people testifying and trying to make sense of it all, it's not the first time we've heard-
[De Jong scoffs]
De Jong: Everyone has something to say about it, with their own point of view and whatnot. If you ask me, much like the ever-so colloquial almond water, it just happened to be made this way. That's about as good of an explanation as you can get, unless one of those so-called deities comes to us and says they were personally responsible for the creation of the Royal Ration. Until then, why bother? Even from an anthropological point of view, it's useless to speculate like this. There are far more significant bits and bobs here to mull over and contemplate the importance of. A piece of jelly that tastes exceptionally good just isn't one of them. I suppose that even though it feels like it was made for a higher being to eat, nothing of the sorts really applies and that's ok. Not everything needs to make sense here.
Wanbugu: Well said, I wish I could articulate myself as you do Lucille.
De Jong: Hah, you flatter me, Kamau.
Wanbugu: Right then, I figure that's about as much time as I can reasonably afford for the sake of digestible documentation. Thank you for your time Lucille. It was nice to speak to you again after so long without hearing from you.
De Jong: The pleasure's all mine, really. I'll make it a point to pop by more often, if you all miss me so much!
[END INTERVIEW]