Man I don't know how to feel about this page, but I feel like for now I'm just gonna no-vote it. I have problems and I have likes, and that boils down to a page that… was fun to read, and had its moments, but was otherwise a pretty okay experience.
While I do want to criticise that this page is more just "this is what happened on Level 122" today instead of an actual rewrite of its ideas, I also don't mind that. While this is just a day in the life of this place, I think framing it like an anthology story worked in its favour, and that uniqueness does benefit it a lot. The start of this page does a good job introducing everything that the level is, and nothing really deviates from that, which is good! it's a very well crafted hook and introduction.
Akari's story is fine. It's very clearly not the important one, she exists merely to make the plot happen. She's literally just there for the achievements, and y'know what? that's fine, why not. She's the audience insert. She exists so the audience can see the lives of the other people without needing a lot of backstory, and to which I say that's fine. I can't give crit because there's not much to give. Akari's story is… all present and accounted for. She also helps to further explore Level 122, which I appreciate a lot too.
Cas' story is obviously much better, I feel that goes without saying. They (although there is a mistaken "he" towards the end, I believe Cas is meant to be non-binary) are very, very interesting, and their vague backstory lends a hell of a lot to them. You can imagine a lot more than is actually there, which is good! They're just… some drifter who's found a safe place to camp (they also hint that the mall is very finite, so I appreciate the worldbuilding continuing even here) and are just squatting here. The part with Fri is also brutal. I'm a big fan. While I find the workers being… invisible… is an odd inclusion, I guess it works. and her just vanishing did make me feel really sad for Cas because they have no one.
As a note on the odd choice above, I'm gonna just assume it was a creative choice the original page made, and that you emulated. That's fine, and the Backrooms be weird, but it was… explained weirdly. It feels like you forgot yourself, and required you to, in the 11th hour, throw in a footnote. If the wait staff are invisible, have Akari notice that. She already exists as the plot pusher and physical layout explainer, and she does meet a wait staff. Who, come to think of it, isn't invisible. Are only some invisible? I would assume so, but the page makes it unclear. The footnote hurts my brain, and it actively serves to lessen the experience.
The comment of "just kill the Janitor" was… weird. I mean Akari, from my limited guessing of how the completionists work, will probably just see him as being an obstacle. Hell, she just needs to steal something from him, who cares if he's dead? That'll make it easier. Cas, while they do have the motivation to want them dead, doesn't really give enough surprise to warrant it. If I wanted to kill somebody, I would still be shocked if someone else of their own voalition suggested it to me. The casual mentions of assassinating some prick between two normal schmoes threw me off-guard.
And, speaking of that, the fact the Janitor dies of oat bar is uh… weird. I feel you were going for something humerous, like "here's the big bad manipulator of this level who's been keeping it hostage since 1987 and kills entities who fall out of line… oops he should've brought his epi-pen" is funny. But it's not… done well here. It feels rushed, to the point where I do think you ran out of time on the contest and needed an out. Jokes like that do still require set-up, and arguably it would be fucking hilarious if you randomly bring up his allergy at the very start, then have him die of too much granola at the end. Amp up the absurdist humour by making the writing overly cool and epic, have it land in his mouth, have… more. More would make the absurdism work better.
I do like that all the stories tied back into each other, although I came out of it only liking Cas'. Akari didn't exactly steal something of the Janitor's. the kid's not his, it's the other guys. Also wait— they just stole a kid. Why? Where would they take this eight year old? Do I think it's funny and interesting and kinda sad that happened, that the misunderstanding was that big, sure! But it wasn't built on enough for me.
One final note, I wish the colours meant a little more for the epilogue titles. Unless I'm too dumb dumb baby brained to see the colour theory, I feel they could've been used to indicate which stories have one focus character, and which blend them together. So like:
- Pink would be a primary colour, we'll go with blue. This is a story featuring only Kel, with a mention of his daughter, so that's fine
- Green stays as is
- Red stays as is
- Purple would become yellow, as its story is a mix of green (Akari) and red (Cas). I would then separate the story when they read the fact file and descend downstairs
- Everything between the elevator and kidnapping, being a mix of three characters now (as Kel and the kid are related, they can both be represented by blue) would be white.
- If you'd want to give the post-it note a colour, which could help tie everything back together, would return to blue
I'm not saying this would improve the quality of the page… at all, it wouldn't, but it would be a nice thing to lean into. Bright colours, like the bright neon lights, and they're a subtle clue as to who's in what story. Could be fun, could be useless, your pick
