Apologies again for the late reply, I was dealing with exam season and rewritecon.
Ok, broadly speaking, prose is fine and polished; I think you have a good voice down and the descriptions don't meander to random places which is good. I would, however, still say it is bloated. Some of the info is kind of repeated, and I think there are things that don't really need to be fully stated with this level of detail. The thing about clinical writing is that the reader retention is generall very low so you want to hone on the key points a bit and leave things a bit more open/unsaid, both for the reader to fill in themselves and so they seek more info, else the novelty wears off as the text drags on.
My main critique for this page, though, is not so much the prose as it is the more core aspects of it. I don't really know what you're trying to communicate with this thematically/emotionally/narratively? I feel unsatisfied reading this page, feel that it lacks any sort of meaningful depth. There's a lot to read in the first offset, and that part is polished, but it doesn't really go anywhere. I see a bunch of notes reiterating the same point, but none of them particularly hint at anything or build up an ending. And I think to some degree that's because the ending itself is rather underdeveloped? It's a level that wants to be forgotten, but for all the effort it takes to get there, this ending is very disatisfying. It's a minimalistic ending ill-fitted onto a maximalist build-up, if that makes sense.
