While I think this is certainly a decent rewrite, it improves quite a bit on the original, it doesn't quite use all of its potential. In a lot of places, details are unelaborated or entirely ignored, and the whole thing feels like an intro for a longer article.
The Stormstone Circle is the most irritating part in my opinion. The idea of standing stones that have some kind of connection to the main characters discussed throughout is really cool, but it's never explain what relation they have. They are introduced and never mentioned again.
The lightning has this issue too. It's mentioned that it was caused by Justice's death, but it has no bearing on the rest of the article other than that.
A lot of the rest of the article is under or over explained. Like, the actual environment of the level apart from the keep is barely explained.
A few sections feel needless, also. The entrances and exits, mostly. In my opinion most entrance/exit sections are needless, but this one more than others. It feels generally out-of-place, it has little bearing on the rest of the article.
Despite all this I do quite like this page, it makes good use of clinical and the story throughout is relatively deep, having strong characterisation throughout. I think overall this article is good, but I can't upvote because of all the flaws.
As to how you could improve your articles in future:
- Think more about how things connect together. Details are always more interesting when they're linked with plot and other details.
- Make sure most questions people might ask about the article are answered. Think about what people might look for in the page, and try to add that.
- Examine what you've written to see if any parts feel needless. As a rule, if it doesn't make the article better to have them, they should be removed.