technical execution: I mean this in the most granular and literal sense possible: on a sentence by sentence basis, how many of these would I pick out as good and memorable?
i will preface this by saying that i have a disdain for the particular kind of writing style embodied through out the majority of the piece: that is, writing which is based in zany metaphors (the Ouija board line), wild and wacky unintroduced elements (the magic bag), and a mix of action-based prose and comedic timing. that being said, it was well-executed for this style of writing, and though i thought that many lines were unnecessary, i do think that they allow the file to focus more on the comedy angle which it holds essential.
there are, however, several spots where i feel like the voice that is intentionally used in this anomaly gives way to unintentional bad writing. here are some examples of what i mean:
This room was a dead end, and the door was airtight. The locals must have known that because it was absolutely filled with fecal matter.
this feels like it should transition more smoothly and actually set up the joke, since, as it is, this feels like a comment just thrown in for comedic value.
It's got different rules from Earth. A lot of things need to be recycled. There isn't much to work with anymore, after all. Still, you get a little here and there. Anything that isn't composted, scrapped, or refurbished gets wheeled out of town.
this feels like it's too redundant to actually be humourous — like, i'm reading this aloud in my head, and i don't buy someone actually saying this in the way i might buy someone saying the rest of this piece.
I'm flatfooted, I walk loudly, and the halls down here resonate. In other words, I make a lot of noise. Noise that tends to attract Cracked Oberonians. And one of them had just found me.
this feels like it's overly redundant in an attempt to be dramatic
and little things like that pepper this page. however, in the grand scheme of things, much of this is excusable because of the zaniness this piece is obviously trying to capture; as such, while i don't like this style of writing, i won't let it affect my vote.
content: here, i'm referring to the narrative of the page — do I think it is memorable, consistent and unique? this also plays in with imagery: do I feel the narrative with what you choose to show me?
i think that the piece itself is perfectly suited for the writing style, and while i didn't necessarily like the twist, i think that it didn't affect the piece much — what it's really going for is capturing a distinct voice, and i feel like this piece was able to successfully capture that cliche, cheesy, almost- '50s noir detective voice here. it's written indulgently and excessively — in much the same way I wrote my own Folklorecon entry, Selenophilia — for something that really doesn't seem to merit it, but i find the piece fun and tasteful despite its intentionally childish voice. there isn't much in the way of theming that i can detect, but that's fine — this is comedy, and i think it's funny enough.
