Don't be discouraged though. I deleted my first level over sheer embarrassment.
Figure out what you want to write about before you start putting words on the page. This thing was directionless as a compass on the nether roof
More time in the oven would help this page if you decide to re-rewrite it.
]]>There was no build up to the warning, just "don't do this… or else." I recommend having a more subtle hint to a consequence if you noclip into the locked doors like a 2-sentence telling of a wanderer who went missing after going to mess with the locked doors. Other than that, the rest of the post is meh. It's a hallway with a bunch of gimmicks tacked on that need much more explaining, why is there ads? How did these organizations "rent" this ad space? Anyway, I wish you good luck in future articles.
]]>+1 to what you said. There is too much stuff happening at once and nothing gets elaborated on properly.
]]>I don't think I need to reiterate what has already been stated by all the previous commenters, but I do want to give a bit of advice/pondering for future endeavours of the author. As everyone else has illustrated, the issue with this page, even disregarding its status as a rewrite, is that it doesn't know what it wants to be. It's a glitchy hall, and then everything under the sun is tacked onto that. So, my question: What are you trying to do with this page, at its core? What is its main direction? Conceptually, narratively, thematically, and emotionally. Only until this is figured out can you then start to write something that really can really shine.
]]>"There is an interesting effect on wanderers and objects (for example cameras will show the effect when video from it is played) that traverse this level. While going further down the level, their vision will begin to appear similar to that of a VHS tape."
and thus this was never elaborated upon again. what does it mean? suddenly the way we see things are through a VHS filter?
you talk about entities but you lack an entity section in your page. it's fine but i do wish there was more consideration organization-wise.
"…glitch will lead to the void.
But don't you ever dare try to no-clip through the locked doors."
this is a dead link that i'm not sure leads to anywhere.
so overall, my view on this is that unfortunately it follows the same pitfalls as its original: too much information, little elaboration or substance built upon it, and not much variation on the original that makes it stand out.
i believe that perhaps this one would have needed more time and maybe some more crit to shine. this is your first level, which is fair, but it lacks organization and comes off as very rushed and well…unmemorable.
No vote.
]]>originally written by Stretchsterz, my GOAT
did you know that stretch is a pedophile?
]]>I see that you are new to writing, and that's okay. I think that your mistake here was to not take more time with it. My additional idea for you is to just read more pages, but not necessarily on this site but in books. For me, it helped me a lot with my writing. For example, volumes of short English stories.
]]>There's basically zero direction here.
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