By this, I mean a line like: "She would tell herself it was just a part of life: that society evolved this way by the work of human beings, specifically for the needs of human beings." would be changed into something like "She'd always tell herself it was a part of life… Society evolved this way through the rough hands of humans because it matched the myriad needs of humans."

The tone, as you can see, involves more alliteration and a good bit of thought on the way the sentence flows when read aloud. It's shorter, at 33 syllables verse 41, and uses softer, more prose-like word choices, like "myriad" — emphasizing the amount in a way that is likely to be novel.

Regardless, even if it doesn't match the language that I would use to write something like this, I think it was done well, and was able to convey a lot about Jennifer, her thought process, and her life up to the Inciting Incident in a unique and clever way. My props especially go to the line "Leon kept it civil and only took away two years of her life over an afternoon chat" — it's fantastically succinct.