Level 150 - "Memory Foundry" / Discussion

I would say it is (at least technically) better than the original, though it's not like the bar was set very high (I can say that, I'm the original author!!!), so mission accomplished! Anyway, as has become customary for me and my contest entries, this page has now become part of my “Cataclysm” series (the Ambassadors storyline), and for anyone following it, know that this is the last entry in the series before “The Big One,” so please wait patiently.

The page in isolation probably would have been a downvote from me due to a variety of reasons that I can't put into words at this time. However:

1.) I don't downvote pages with effort unless I have a specific justification that I can clearly convey in a comment

2.) I don't downvote pages in a series unless I've read the rest of the series

I HAVE read the Red Light District, but the tie-ins aren't necessarily enough for me to *upvote* this on principle of enjoying the series overall

especially since it's incomplete.

If I remember, I'll probably revisit this page again when the Ambassador storyline is finished. I really don't like pulling this move during a contest with a limited time frame (especially if I may end up upvoting it), but I have a very strict standard for myself of "I must leave a comment on every contest page if I decide to vote on any of them" because there's nothing I hate more than people who only vote on 2 pages without even reading them just because their friend wrote it

sooo yeah novote for now.

I remember hearing the tail-end comment from someone during one of the crit nights that this page just… ends, and I agree with that! This is a page that very much lacks a substantial middle. It's got a long beginning that mixes into a middle, where the story in the faded boxes continues while the clinical parts continue to establish new locations, and then it ends.

But I kinda feel like that works?

Maybe with more setup it would be even more effective, but I feel like the sudden "No no, we're doing this now" is wholly intentional. The plot is hijacked by the big red sun or moon or whatever entity, and I think that's neat! An otherwise long story is made short by the sheer power of the antagonist, I think that's a fun way to go about it.

I do think some of the wording is a little clunky, particularly at the start, but I got to understanding it well enough and I don't think I could give advice on how to make it better.

Overall cool page! It's probably part of a series or something, but unlike with 410, I could still wholly understand this page without knowledge of what goes on outside of it. Though knowing 11.3 would elevate this page, it doesn't need it imo.