Entity 109 - "Festa" / Discussion

1. The Dry Tone

The most major issue that stood out to me is how the entire entry is written, for lack of a better word, like an early 2020 article. From the two-sentence 'Discovery' that adds nothing of substance from an either in or out-of-universe perspective, to the scattered elements tacked on in 'Additional Information' that have no relation to anything else mentioned in prior sections, to the broken footnote block at the bottom, it reads like an unpolished first draft. You could argue that this effect was intentional to demonstrate how the dude writing the first revision has no idea what he's doing, but these tonal issues aren't addressed in the second, more polished version by Umari either.

The easiest fix would be by revising Umari's edition to be more fluent, and free of extraneous padding. Summarize what Festa is from the introductory sentence; there's no reason to keep the reader in the dark at this point. Since this is an informative article, elaborate on Festa's games. How would you play music chairs in the Backrooms? Does 'having chairs' constitute a requirement for a level to meet Festa's habitat condition? What does Festa use as a goal in capture the flag? I would recommend either removing the 'Discovery' and 'Additional Details' segments, or elaborating on both to make them relevant to the core theme.

Also, pick a tone like clinical or vibrant and fully lean into it. I would usually suggest going with clinical, but since Festa is such a fun character, you could have Umari's version be a more faithful representation of how they would like to be presented (if it makes sense for Umari as a character to write less formally).

2. Festa as a Character

Putting aside the execution of the narrative for a moment, what is central to Festa's deal? What's the core concept of your entity. Let me know if I'm reading this correctly, but I felt like the focus of Festa's concept was that it desperately wanted to play with wanderers, but often lost its temper and ended up hurting them in the process.

Addressing the quotes, which is one of the sections where Festa's personality is fully on display, I liked number two and five the best. Number two hints at Festa's innocently violent nature, and number five gives us a glimpse into their more child-like side. This does a great job establishing a duality for the character, how they are both aggressive but sweet, quick to anger but yearning for playmates. I don't quite see the purpose of one, because Festa doesn't seem much like a stickler for the rules, nor three, considering they're arguably just as frail as humans (Is it meant to imply they're unsympathetic? If so, this needs to be established more solidly in other parts of the article).

3. James's Attitude Towards Festa

Okay, onto the execution of the narrative. If I'm getting this right, James is utterly unfair towards Festa. He makes suggestions, prompting wanderers to harm the entity, and appears cold and uncaring towards their feelings. By the time we get to the ending comment, we are supposed to be gritting our teeth at this guy and the database moderator. If so, I think there are a few sections in the first revision that don't fully reflect this mindset.

Firstly, why would James so readily draw to attention in 'Overview' to Festa's willinglyness to help wanderers? Secondly, why would James imply that wanderers should be allowed to play with Festa at least once and not outright denying them company altogether? Thirdly, why would he care about Festa's depressive state over the presumed safety of wanderers?

Your response to the second is that the MEG is forced to cater, because if wanderers ignored Festa completely, they would lash out. In this case, advice from Mr. James should be focused on not letting Festa see potential playmates in the first place. It should be focused on completing the games in the least enthusiastic and most pragmatically-planned manner possible. Think of the ripple effects this has on Festa. They are starved of company, but everyone is either avoiding them or not playing properly, creating an endless feedback loop of them falling deeper into their poor temper. Which in turns leads the MEG documentation to being more unfavorable towards them. Thus, conflict.

Lastly, why would the MEG care about what Festa has to say, going so far as to include the 'Entity Notes'? Their opinion of Festa is rather unfavorable at this point, appearing to view them as a problem first and foremost. I think you should hone on to this mistreatment, allowing the reader to root for Festa despite their flaws.

4. Umari's Attitude Towards Festa

In Umari's revision, this is where you can bring in elements like the 'Entity Notes' and a more friendly perspective on Festa. This is also a good chance to provide a different point of view on their actions, because at this point, those have been described as nothing more but tantrums. The part about "worsening their anxiety" is a good start, and I highly recommend incorporating more revealing insights for their character.

Though not necessary, give the reader a hint at what made Umari different. Was it by stopping to listen to the entity talk, as shown by including their quotes? Was it an attempt at reassuring Festa in their games, hence building the start of healthy progress? Then, we could have a moral for a page, and it'll be a bit cheesy, but add welcome dimension to both characters. By presenting this dynamic, you have something compelling to say about [insert lengthy rant about empathy and the treatment of neurodivergent children and institutional concerns] whatever final message you choose to convey about Festa.

5. Formatting the Page Source

The way you format the source change is almost unreadable due to the words in the two versions being alternated, sometimes splitting a simple phrase multiple times. See:

[…] if had been discussed in an archived forum thread. Its authenticity has been debated due to new you comments bring by birthday Festa cake.

Overall, I don't think this section is necessary if you made Umari's and James's writing styles more different, as even in clinical tones, varying authors gravitate towards varying sentence structure and turn of phrase. Not to mention, the two vastly different characters here will always highlight different things about the entity.