1. Context
As a new reader, you did a great job introducing me to the concepts important to the MM. Kyra being a new member gave you the opportunity to explain the important concepts (Masks, mirror level, messengers, ideology etc) within the story itself! Also, you don’t just use Janice to explain everything all the time, but you have Kyra experiencing these things for herself, which allows readers to experience them with her and be immersed in the story!
2. Characterization
I think this is the best part of your story!
I really like the characterization of the MEG. They aren’t perfect and wholly good like most articles make them out to be, but there are shady things going on behind public eyes (human experimentation, etc). At the same time, Kyra notices they are genuinely trying to help when she logs on to the computer, showing they aren’t all bad either!
I also like how well you demonstrate the ideology of the Maidens. The opening with Kyra’s unhappiness with the MEG and their aligned groups really produces a driving force in the story for the maidens’ purpose, which is to stop the corruption and provide for all wanderers fairly and adequately.
Although the dialogue and SPaG weigh it down sometimes, you do very well with the three main characters too! You illustrate Kyra’s internal thoughts about things nicely. I like the balance of Janice’s confident and capable exterior with the mysterious ‘double agent’ secret underneath. And Sully is a perfect example of a comic relief character too. You contrast him with Janice very nicely!
1. Pacing and immersion
Pacing was one key issue I think your work struggled with.
You made efforts to describe things, but I think sometimes you moved too fast past certain important details like what people, places or things look like, so I don’t get a clear picture of what the scene looks like. This gave me the impression that the story felt rushed and incomplete in places. You could do better in considering what’s important to describe in each scene! For example:
- What color are the main characters’ masks? How can you relate the color to their personalities and character traits?
- You try to characterize Madam Evangeline with a curtsy, which is good, but not enough! What does Madam look like? How does her appearance (mask, robes, cape?) and behavior (how regally she walks, how she proudly holds her head high, etc) help to show her grandeur and authority?
Another related problem is that you don’t really describe some places enough to build an atmosphere that feels real and immersive. One thing you can consider is using metaphors and exaggeration! These may not be physically accurate descriptions of things, but they help to convey to readers how Kyra feels about the situation she is in!
For example, you tried to use the giggling to build tension, but it didn’t really work for me, because you didn’t develop the idea to make it scary or uncomfortable. Here’s what I might have done:
The giggling continued intermittently, muffled and faint, like wasps scuttling behind a curtain of yellow wallpaper, hiding just out of reach from the monochrome limelight and its feverish, fluorescent buzz.
Beads of cold sweat began to form on my skin, their touch burrowing like cockroaches into my flesh, crawling up my arms to the nape of my neck to send chills down my unnerved spine.
Something was watching me.
One more thing under pacing — I think your pacing of character development is also a bit too fast. Kyra seems to change sides and be okay with turning her back on the M.E.G. just a bit too quickly, and it feels odd sometimes. For example:
- She and an innocent bystander just got attacked by Sully and Janice. She was scared for her life by them, so why would put on the mask so quickly without much thought?
- Again, she is very quick to trust Sully and Janice, even though they attacked her. I think this might have been fixed if during or just after their initial attack, you talked about how Kyra found them interesting and liked how mysterious, confident and powerful they were. This gives her a reason to trust the group, more than just ‘MEG bad’!
- Sully attacks people very viciously. While you describe the action quite well, Kyra doesn’t really seem very bothered by it. Wouldn’t she be uncomfortable seeing him attack violently, since she was just attacked days before? Wouldn’t she be uncomfortable with the cruelty, especially since the maidens are supposed to be the good guys to her?
I understand that part of it is the mask’s influence, but I really think you need to show some hesitation in certain situations, and allow her to learn and be convinced over time. This is more realistic and relatable to readers, as it shows how she is gradually changing from the influences of the masked maidens, from her previous simply “unhappy with MEG” position. That’s character development!
2. Dialogue and SPaG
Sometimes, your dialogue sounds a little odd, like it’s not how natural people speak. Might be because of some SPaG errors too. I won’t comment much though, I know dialogue is really hard to nail down right!
Same for SPaG! I know it’s something that you are working on improving, good job with that! Even though it’s not great yet, I’m sure you’re getting better at it as time goes by! Keep up the effort!!
My personal rating:
Storyline: 7/10
Characterization: 8/10
Pacing: 4/10
Tone, style and immersion: 5/10
Dialogue: 2.5/5
SPaG: 3/5
Total score: 29.5/50
P.S. I accidentally clicked out from the page and had to rewrite the entire review AAAAAAAAA