Level 944 - "Belly of the Beast" / Discussion

First two posts of POIcon!! Big credit makaraig and captaiin for being great teammates. Both of them helped me workshop this level a bunch! Also credit to makaraig for coming up with the original idea of Gani as well as the general themes of this level itself!

A more in depth review now that I have time to give some.

The strongest point here was easily the prose. The way the words flew so vividly from Gani's mouth onto the page, the images invoked within the reader. It was easily the best part of this whole article. For the description, at least. I feel like the reasoning on the first Gani note could have been more then "I don't want to see other people suffer like me¹. Maybe a bit more on how their personal experience scared them and wishing that upon others would be the last thing wanted? More poetic and prose-like which is present in the bulk of the article.

The most definite areas you can cut are, well, the format. To begin, Entities isn't necessary if there are no entities, and the same applies to the colonies. I recommend omitting them as they don't do anything but add a header with the same copy paste text. For another, the exit's section could use more elaboration, maybe from gani? Gani clearly got out somehow, maybe a testimony on how they feel about escape? However, the biggest qualm is in the entrances section.

Level 944 can be entered through a weathered wooden door that can occasionally be seen in Level 18.

Elaborate on the door? How often is it seen? What distinguishes it from just another door? Why specifically Level 18 and not Level 2, a level filled with doors? I feel like this single line leaves the most potential the article has behind itself, and could use more elaboration. I also recommend changing "Description" to something along the lines of "Gani's Testimony", though different wording may work better.

My only other major gripe is the introduction to the article itself. Overseer Stretch of all people giving out this testimony feels… mighty off to me. it also doesn't serve as much of an introduction to the article. I'd prefer if it was like a more immediate "DOOR ON LEVEL 18 LIKE SO AND AVOID(though worded much better)". It gives the reader an immediate idea on what comes with the article and allows the description to build up to the hopefully edited entrances section. Gives the reader a clear idea of what to expect while also sticking to the vague mystery the article.

However, the prose itself saves me from these quibbles and quabbles, so I will be giving a hearty +1!

interesting concept, dull execution.

-1